Beverly Hills Chihuahua
(The Channel Awesome logo and NC title sequence play. Open on Rob walking down the hall of the building when he hears the sound of people shouting and whooping. He heads over to where the noise is, coming from behind an open door to the kitchen) Voices: GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO! (It's NC, Tamara and Malcolm are cheering on Jim as they play beer pong. Jim looks like he is about to aim a ball towards one of the cups, but instead, he very gently drops the ball into the cup. Everyone cheers exaggeratedly) Rob: What are you guys doing? NC: Enjoying the day off, man! Malcolm: Yeah, there's no movie to review this week, so we're kicking back and enjoying the high life. Rob: By playing beer pong? NC: (speaking like Balki from ''Perfect Strangers)'' Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. Tamara: Yeah, you know what just got legalized in Illinois, (NC takes out a box of matches) so we're enjoying the high life! (NC looks out at the cup where the ball landed. Inside is a pile of green grass, presumably marijuana. He strikes a match and drops it in the cup. There is an explosion where the match lands in the grass. NC and Tamara take a whiff of the smoke and sigh with sheer ecstasy, their eyes rolling up) Rob: You still have a movie to review. Jim: What? No, we don't. NC: Yeah, that would imply we actually saw a movie this week. Rob: You did! NC: (confused) Did we? Malcolm: That would mean we sat in one place for an hour and a half and watched something that left no impact on us whatsoever. Rob: That's not very hard to believe. NC: (pointing at Rob) All right, look here, mister...you! If we watched this (makes "finger quotes", mocking tone) "phantom movie", what was it called? Rob: Beverly Hills Chihuahua. (Jim and Malcolm stare in confusion, then Malcolm laughs) Malcolm: (to Jim) Dude, I swear he just said there's a movie called– Rob: (yelling in anguish) I DID!!! Tamara: (amused) I think someone got started on the friendly parsley before we did. Rob: It was a kids film from 2008. (Everyone else either stares in confusion or tries to think) With the voices of Drew Barrymore and George Lopez? (They still stare, still not getting it, which exasperates Rob) It wasn't on Disney+? Everyone: (finally getting it) Ohhh! NC: Yeah, yeah... Jim: Why do I remember what's not on there more than I remember what is? NC: Jesus, we saw that whole film, and I don't even remember watching it. Malcolm: Wow, I can't believe a movie left that little an impression on us. Jim: The Charlie's Angels reboot of dog movies. Malcolm: We live in a world where that's a sentence now. Rob: Well, the movie's not gonna review itself. Tamara: (pointing to him) Wait... (Rob stares as she stands there awkwardly) Yeah, you're right. Rob: So get in that office and do your job! NC: You got it! (Nobody moves an inch as Rob continues to stare) Did we make it? Rob: (losing patience) GET OUT OF HERE! (He chases everyone out of the room as they all run into the wall across the way, bumping into one another in a heap) NC: (walking off irritably) Lousy pity film to give Raja Gosnell work! (They all start to leave) Malcolm: Hey, who's looking after the rest of the stash? (After they leave, there is an explosion, a poof sound and a puff of smoke all emerging from the kitchen where Rob is standing) Rob: Ahhhhh! (The title for ''Beverly Hills Chihuhua is shown, followed by footage of the film)'' NC (vo): While it's difficult to accept that a film like this was greenlit, got made, and you possibly saw it without even remembering you did, the hardest fact to wrap one's brain around is that this film was number one at the box office for two weeks straight. Yeah, two weeks straight! You mean, people would rather watch this than... (He stops short and hesitates, however, as a montage of posters of other concurrent movies is shown: ''Quarantine, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, An American Carol, Religious, Body of Lies, RocknRolla)'' NC (vo): Uh... Uh... All right, maybe it's not that hard to believe. To its credit, it might have had one of the most insane trailers movie-going audiences have seen in a while. (A clip of the trailer is shown, set in an ancient Central American pyramid, full of dogs wearing native attire and beating on drums. Yeah.) NC (vo): Just look at this! Dogs: (singing) Oh, chihuahua! Chihuahua! Papi: (rapping) We're tiny, but mighty, we're number one... (NC stares, wide-eyed and nonplussed) Papi: (rapping) We're the real hot dogs, yo, hold the bun! (beat) Jealous? Dogs: (singing) Oh, chihuahua! Chihuahua! (Cut to a clip of ''Batman Forever showing Margaret)'' Margaret: That's hideous! NC: Hideous, yes; forgettable, no. NC (vo): A shame this trailer has almost nothing to do with the movie. (Camera zooms in on Papi) Yeah, you see this dog getting all the focus? NC: He's in maybe one-third of the film. (A green arrow appears, pointed towards Chloe, the female chihuahua, who sits next to Papi) NC (vo): You see this dog who doesn't even get a line in the trailer? NC: She's the main character! NC (vo): This chihuahua temple and all these other dogs? NC: Maybe about ten minutes of the movie. (The original intended release date is shown in the trailer: September 26, 2008) NC (vo): Even the release date lied to you; it came out in October! (More footage of the movie is shown) NC (vo): It's no wonder this movie's so hard to remember! (The poster for this movie is superimposed) Even the poster forgets who the main character is! (The camera looks around at the characters on it) Was it him or her– Oh, who cares? Nobody's gonna watch it anyway... (A poster for ''Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Viva la Fiesta! is shown)'' NC (vo): THIRD ONE?! Angry Black Female (distorted): BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK?? NC (vo): Apparently, I did see this, and I need to be shown again why it's so forgettable. There's a whole lot of nothing to get through, so let's not waste any time wasting our time. NC: (crosses arms) This is the straight-to-DVD* movie that drunkenly got a budget: Beverly Hills Chihuahua. *NOTE: This was actually a theatrical release, unlike the other BHC sequels that actually were straight-to-DVD. (The Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown for a bit before being cut off by NC) NC: (his head resting on his hand) You don't need to try this hard. You did see the title, didn't you? Hell, look who... (The credits read: "A FILM BY RAJA GOSNELL") NC (vo): ...they got to direct it. Yes, Raja Gosnell seems to be the guy you get... (A montage of shots of posters for other Gosnell movies is shown: ''Big Momma's House, Scooby-Doo, The Smurfs, Show Dogs)'' NC (vo): ...when even the director starving to death pass on a film. And give him credit: he is very good at making everybody in the film look immediately punchable. (As the film opens, we see Vivian Ashe, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, entering a pet salon in Beverly Hills) Vivian: (seeing her secretary) Hello, Willow. Lovely to see you. NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see Jamie Lee Curtis and Drew Barrymore are finally in a film together. But one of them's a dog. (As Jamie enters her salon, she opens up her purse and lets out her pet chihuahua, Chloe, on the table. She is wearing a tutu and ballerina shoes) NC (vo): This is Chloe, a spoiled chihuahua surrounded by other stuck-up bitches. Chloe (voiced by Drew Barrymore): It's not easy to find a mate with papers, let alone one you could love. NC: Have you ever seen an animal trying so hard to quietly signal... NC (vo): ..."Euthanize me"? I'm serious, all the dogs in this movie look miserable. I give credit that... (Cut to footage of ''Cats and Dogs)'' NC (vo): ...the training is better than, say, Cats and Dogs, where they constantly look distracted and they just slap talking lips on them. (Cut back to ''Beverly Hills Chihuahua)'' NC (vo): But if you took those lips off here, they all seem ready for a needle with anything in it. They don't care. Whatever fate gives them has to be better than this. But a voice actor's making bank say they're happy, so they're happy! Dog 1: Bimini has a date with Scooter. Dog 2: He's crazier than a labradoodle! Dog 3: Hey, (holds up paw) talk to the paw. NC: And you thought (Poster for the following appears in the corner...) Cats was the first masterpiece to utilize cat puns. NC (vo): Jamie Lee plays a famous cosmetic designer named Viv, who's also friends with her landscaper, Sam, and his pet, Papi. NC: (stroking his chin) Hey, remember in Disney's Oliver and Company, where Cheech Marin... (Cut to a poster for ''Oliver and Company, with the camera zooming in on Tito the chihuahua, who was voiced by Marin)'' NC (vo): ...played a chihuahua? NC: Remember how he was the only character kids remembered? (Footage of ''Beverly Hills Chihuahua is shown as NC describes it)'' NC (vo): Well, we got a Disney film, we got Cheech Marin, we got a chihuahua! Cast him as a mouse... (A shot of said mouse, Manuel, is shown, along with an image of Marin, who voices him. Then cut to Papi, along with an image of George Lopez, who voices him) NC (vo): ...and the guy from Sharkboy and Lavagirl! (Papi is jumping up and down on his side of the fence to see Chloe swimming in a backyard pool) Papi: (with each jump) You are more lovely...in the dark...of corazon. (Papi is then seen speaking Spanish (by Doug) that translates to "I want a rewrite," as per text on the screen) NC (vo): Papi constantly hits on Chloe, but she thinks she's too good for him because Disney said, "I saw Lady and the Tramp...'s poster. (A poster for that movie is superimposed briefly) That's what it's about, right?", and she quickly dismisses him. Papi: (pushing a grasshopper in front of Chloe) Grasshopper, mi corazon? Chloe: (excited) Papi, that's so... (recoils after a beat) disgusting. NC: Kids, if you're wondering if that's the grasshopper from... (The scene is shown again, this time with a shot of the grasshopper from the Silly Symphony cartoon ''The Grasshopper and the Ants in the corner)'' NC (vo): ...that charming Silly Symphonies cartoon... NC: ...I really want you to hate this movie, so yes, yes, it is. NC (vo): Viv's niece, named Rachel, drops by, played by Piper Perabo. You may remember her from (Poster for the following appears in the corner...) Coyote Ugly. NC: I mean, I don't, but you might. NC (vo): And big shock, she's just as bratty as Chloe. Vivian: (on her phone) Wonderful. Bye. (hangs up) Rachel: Everything okay, Aunt Viv? (She opens a can of soda so loudly that the opening and the fizzing startle Vivian) Vivian: Oh, honey, I don't know what I'm gonna do. NC: (as director) Now, sound editors, when she opens that soda, I want it to be... NC (vo): ...the loudest opening of soda ever captured of film. (as sound editor) But why? NC: (as director) DON'T TALK BACK TO ME! (He makes a slapping motion, presumably hitting the sound editor in the face, who yells in pain as he is hit) NC: (as director, shaking index finger in the air) I made Home Alone 3! (Poster for that movie appears in the corner) Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Transcripts Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Nostalgia Critic Category:Disney